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have <em>adopted</em> children from China.</p>

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<h2>Raising a single child after adopting</h2>
<img id="sidepics" src="../images/sidepics.jpg" alt="happy children">

<p>by Jane A. Brown, M.S.W.</p>
<p>Many families wrestle with the decision as to whether to have an
only-child family or to adopt again. While there is no right or wrong
about any type of family that we envision or build, there are some
things that adoptive families might want to consider as they make this
decision or live within the type of family that they have completed.
There are no studies, to speak of, to back up my thoughts regarding this
issue. However, years of observing and working with families who have
adopted as well as having had untold opportunities to ask adult adoptees
about having grown up after adoption have shaped some of my thoughts and
opinions.</p>

<p>Many families who adopt a first child make the decision that their
family is complete. There are many reasons for this. Adoption is
expensive and some cannot afford a second adoption or believe that the
sacrifices that they would have to make would so impair their ability to
live comfortably and provide for the child already in their family that
this is not a good decision for them. Some believe that they do not have
the energy or other resources to give to an additional child. Some fear
bringing home another child, worried that that child could bring
problems into the mix that they could not cope well with. Some families
just really like having a single child to care for and believe that they
can do a pretty good job meeting the needs of their child without the
lack of a sibling having a negative impact on him or her.</p>

<p>Still, no matter what sort of family we build, most of us have an
occasional worry about whether we've made the best and right choices. We
would not be human if we did not wonder how our lives would have been
had we made a different choice. We wonder whether this will feel as
right to our child when he or she is grown as it does to us, now. Is it
better for a child, especially an adopted child to grow up with a
sibling? What IS the impact on children in growing up as an only?</p>

<p>Only gross generalizations can be made about only children and their
families, since each child and each family is so very unique. However,
there are some seeming commonalties amongst children who grow up as
onlies. Only children and children in small families (and this IS the
finding of studies) tend to have more academic success in school. They
tend, to, to have a good deal of self-esteem and to engage easily and
comfortably in relationships with adults. (this is where the info from
studies ends). I believe that they may tend to struggle a little,
sometimes, with social relationships with their peers IF they are
isolated and don't have frequent and regular opportunities both in a
group setting and at home. Learning to share and learning to share adult
attention can be especially difficult things for them to learn because
they may not be called upon as often to HAVE to share. They may also,
depending on the type of family they live in, of course, be a little
less flexible, since having to share attention, time, and give and take
with a sibling tends to shape children who have to be more flexible and
sometimes, more resilient to quick, unpredictable changes.</p>

<p>There are special areas to think about when an only child has come
through adoption, particularly transracial/international adoption. A
child who has at least one sibling who also joined the family has a base
of comparison between the way that she thinks, feels, wonders and
another over a lifetime. We don't get as close, inside a look at
another's life and their style of living that life as we do when we
share a belongingness to our family. While siblings may or may not form
a close, loving relationship, the fact that they share their parent(s),
home environment, material resources, etc. bears on their ability to
compare their lives and thoughts with another as closely as possible. In
some ways, since transracial, international adoptees already tend to
experience a sense of isolation from the experiences of most others
(especially non-adopted others), growing up as an only child can
exacerbate that sense of isolation. "Is it NORMAL to wonder what I do,
to fantasize about my birth parents, to feel as I do about China, and
about Mum and Dad? Do others usually feel a sense of belonging and at
times, feel that they don't quite fit exactly into their families? Would
it be the same if I had not been adopted, but had been born into my
family?" are typical questions. A child who grows up alone may fantasize
that adoptees who have siblings feel less isolated or have someone who
thinks and feels just as they do-- whether or not this is really so.</p>

<p>My friend, Muriel was one of two sisters (bio siblings) joined to
their family through adoption. Throughout her childhood, although Muriel
had no interest in talking about her history, what was known about her
birth parents, or how she was cared for before coming to be adopted, her
sister behaved very differently and was very interested in these things.
Susan was very curious and always pestering her mother and father with
questions, in Muriel's words. Her sister was intensely sad over knowing
little of their birth parents and yearned to grow old enough to search,
which horrified Muriel. Susan struggled through some difficult years
when her anger at having been relinquished exploded outward at everyone
and everything, while Muriel, at the same ages and stages, seemed to
breeze easily through childhood. Even Susan's teen years were much more
turbulent as she acted out some of her fantasies about her birth
parents. Muriel was not very sympathetic and she and her sister were not
close.</p>

<p>It wasn't until much later that Muriel had some understanding of her
sister's earlier thoughts, questions, feelings, and behavior. Muriel and
her husband adopted a young child and one night, when Muriel held little
Sarah in her arms, she thought to herself "Who could ever have been able
to be parted from such a lovely child?". Her next thought struck her
like a truck. "Who could have been separated for a lifetime from ME?"
Having had a close, if not easy relationship with her sister was helpful
to her over the next few years as she began to delve into her grief and
process of learning to cope with the associated feelings that brought.
It was as though Susan, at an earlier stage, had helped Muriel to do
some of the emotional work of grappling with having come into a family
through the door of adoption that Muriel had not yet been ready to do.
As Muriel worked through her thoughts, feelings, and questions, it was
Susan who was most helpful to her as a guide and mentor, reassuring her
that she WOULD regain her perspective and balance.</p>

<p>All children who join families through adoption have a certain amount
of performance pressure that they grow up with. Most adult adoptees tell
us that they felt a strong sense of competition with and need to try to
live up to the "child who was never born" to their parents (or to the
daughter/son who had not been born this time around). Only children do
seem to have more performance pressure than do their peers with
siblings. They are their parents' sole focus in parenting and thus, can
tend to feel as though they are under the microscope, at times.</p>

<p>When there is more than one child in a family, the pressure gets
spread out a bit more.Children may not feel as much responsibility for
fulfilling their parent(s)' expectations and wishes. Each child can take
turns being in the limelight or being the child out of compliance with
rules, or the quiet one, and so forth. There are both positive and
negative aspects of all this. Only children receive a great deal of
attention and do not have to share parent(s)' time. However, this may
not always be comfortable or desirable.</p>

<p>Parents also seem to feel more pressure to get things "just right"
since they see themselves as having only one chance. They may sometimes
be more anxious that their child receive all that they need and fret
more intensely if they think that they may not be getting that or if
their child is struggling with some behavioral or emotional stresses for
a period of time. Things may seem "all good" or "all bad" depending on
how their child is coping with school, friendships, leisure time,
behavior, ability to communicate, etc. Parents may feel more pressure to
help their child establish close friendships, get along with
neighborhood children, and have a wide variety of social experiences.
This is neither all to the positive or to the negative! It may make
parents overprotective, doting, and overly involved in their child's
life, but it may also propel them to be enormously enthusiastic,
ever-ready to provide stimulating and memorable experiences, to drop
everything when their child needs them in a way not otherwise possible,
and to lavish an array of wonderful things on their child that they
might not have time or money for, if they had more than one child.</p>

<p>Are there benefits for children in having a sibling who came through
international/transracial adoption? There are, but as with all things in
families, there is more than one way to offer the same benefits. I think
that children need and deserve to know how other young adoptees think
about adoption, how they sometimes feel, and that they are not alone
whatever their experience is. Children need ongoing, long term
friendships both with non-adopted peers and adopted peers who are close,
as siblings are close to each other. Parents need to know that children
who play together won't automatically have the same type of intimate
discussions that would normally occur within a family, so they need to
help initiate those whenever possible. That requires them to be extra
attentive, to take some risks in opening discussions, and making certain
that close relationships with other families grow strong and remain
intact over time.</p>

<p>Parents need to have the courage and foresight to talk with their
children about the positives and the downside of growing up in a family
with only one child. This is not easy to do. We all tend to want to
accentuate the positives and downplay the negatives. The danger in this
is that we don't give children the opportunity to explore their
feelings, get a different perspective, and to feel supported when we try
not to discuss what those negatives are, fearing that our child may
dwell on them. When parents have the wisdom to listen, without wanting
to "fix" the problem or minimize it for the child (as in "Well, I know
that sometimes you are lonely, but just think darling, you never have to
have someone break or lose your toys!") then children can be free to
really communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs. If one knows
what a child needs or yearns for or expects, than that can be provided
in some other way. At the very least, a child can feel understood and
that her feelings are valid and acceptable. Then, opportunities to
compare and contrast that experience with another (a discussion with a
child from a big family, for example) can happen. A child may learn that
what she believes is so, is not really as she envisions it to be or that
there are some things that a child with a differently configured family
envies. These sorts of discussions can help a child to understand that
there is no one right or best way to be part of a family. That ALL kinds
of families have value.</p>

<p>I do think that parents who are raising an only child must pay
careful attention to their own expectations, feelings, and the pressure
that they could put onto a child to fulfill all their dreams. A child
needs, in my opinion, a little neglect, occasionally-- time away from
parents' scrutiny and indulgence.</p>

<p>Opportunities to make mistakes and not be the center of their
parent(s)' lives is beneficial for a child-- time when their parents are
too busy or too distracted and they have to figure out how to fill
leisure time or cope with problems themselves. Too much of anything is
overwhelming and stifling! Parents need to try to give their child some
emotional distance and not burden their child with their expectations,
as hard as that may. They also need to make sure that their child has
plenty of interactions with peers both away from home and in their
home.While parents with more than one child have this as a built-in
feature of their family, parents of singles have to work a little to
make sure that these happen. They might also try to help their child
connect with friends who are part of a sibling group and spend some
time, occasionally, talking about how this is the same and different.</p>

<p>We are also recognizing that young adoptees benefit tremendously from
regular and ongoing contact with young adult adoptees. It is a gift to a
child to have a transracially adopted babysitter or special friend to
look up to and model oneself upon. Wise parents of only children will
recognize that this is especially important and try to establish those
connections for their child, early on.</p>

<p>Raising an only child or an only-adopted child is challenging, but
also exciting-- just as every type of parenting is. In my opinion, it is
not whether we choose to have one or a dozen children that really
matters as to whether our children will grow up happy, healthy and
secure. It is HOW we raise them and how we recognize and deal with the
issues that are pertinent or unique to our family.</p>

<p>Jane A. Brown, M.S.W.</p>

<p>Go back to the <a href="index.htm">Jane Brown archive</a>.</p>

<p class="fineprint">Jane Brown is both an adoption social
worker/educator and an adoptive &amp; foster mother of nine children,
some of whom are now grown. She lives and works in Arizona. She serves
on the editorial board of Adoptive Families Magazine and writes a
regular parenting column for the publication. She is the creator of
Adoptive Playshops which is a series of workshops for adopted children
age five+, their non-adopted siblings, and adoptive parents in which
children are helped through playful, multisensory activities to explore
growing up in an adoptive family and racial identity, plus develop
skills for dealing with societal attitudes and beliefs about adoption
and includes helping children resist and confront racism and bullying.
She can be reached at: janebrown77@earthlink.net or at: (602) 690-5338.</p>
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